Do you know how to stop tears? A few quick, sharp breaths through your nose.

Do you know how to see time? You see it in the quiet moments, watching your child arranging their new home.

 

And now, do you know how to hold in one heartbeat the endless joy and pride of seeing a full-grown adult who grew from your love… and, at the very same moment, the bottomless pain of knowing they will no longer need your pancakes, will not come for morning cuddles, and that thick worry: did you teach them everything? Will they know what to do if they get a fever? Will there be someone who notices when they are sad?

 

When you are pregnant, advice rains down from every corner: books, friends, mothers, neighbours, doctors, teachers, even churches. Yet when that child steps into the world with the perfect mix of uncertainty and “I know it all,” and parents are left with emptiness the size of a hot-air balloon – we simply call it the circle of life, and and let things fall into place on their own.

Well my friend, I have lived long enough to know that nothing falls into place on its own. Except maybe mess, and wrinkles.

 

For a good life to happen you need effort and time. For the bond with your child to remain and grow, you must learn:

Last night, on our way home from Maastricht, where we planted Rugile for her studies in biomedicine and her new, safe, and colourful life, I was re-planning my motherhood.

 

Because motherhood does not expire nor stops evolving when kids grow up.

Our kids will always need wise, attentive, loving parents. It’s on us now how to show our love: we can listen to their stories, mark their important dates in our calendars, and remember to follow up on them. We can live lives full of our own stories, or read books to recommend. We can learn the keywords of their careers. When we know they are sad, we can order their favorite pizza to their door—even from afar. On happy days, we can send flowers or drop a song that has good memories. We can choose to find our way be in their present, rather than staying in their past.

 

And us, parents… we need other parents. Not the ones who say, “that’s life, it will pass, everyone goes through this,” but those who understand the pain, who let you sit with it, who bring wine, who cry with you online (or in person), and who encourage you to learn a new kind of parenthood.

 

And sometimes when nothing works… just to breathe deeply through your nose.