The Extremely Overlooked Part of Parenting: How to be a Good Parent to an Adult Child

When we think about parenting, we often picture young parents running after their small children. Most parenting advice focuses on managing the early years, like dealing with tantrums, school challenges, and teenage years at their best. But there’s a whole other side to parenting that often gets overlooked—the importance of the adult-to-adult relationship with your adult children.

We all understand that parenting doesn’t end when your child turns 18. In fact, as children grow into adults, the role of a parent becomes just as crucial, though it looks very different. We stop being physically essential for their existence but remain emotionally involved in their future.

As parents, we’re well-supported when our kids are young. Teachers, schools, afterschool activities, community support, even family doctors are all part of the village that helps us raise our children. But what happens when our kids grow up? When they face real-life challenges like breakdowns and breakups, career changes, and even their own parenting issues, the questions become more complex:

• How do we support them without overstepping?
• How can we be there for them during their victories and failures?
• How much should we interfere in their lives?
• How do we help them financially without creating dependence?
• And what does healthy parenting look like when our children are self-sufficient?

These questions often come with no clear answers, leaving many parents feeling lost or unsure of their role.

The Science Behind Being a Good Parent to Adult Children

According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, close parent-adult child relationships are linked to better life satisfaction, reduced levels of depression, and overall improved mental health for both generations. However, the nature of this relationship needs to adapt as children grow into self-sufficient adults.

One of the significant challenges of modern parenting is the extended period that young adults are living at home. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, about 50% of adults aged 18 to 29 live with their parents. This is the highest share in over 50 years, largely driven by economic factors like rising rent, student loan debt, and the impact of the pandemic.

While living with parents can provide financial relief, research suggests there are downsides to prolonged cohabitation:

• Delayed Independence: A study from the Journal of Adolescence found that young adults who live with their parents beyond the age of 25 often delay significant life milestones like pursuing a career, getting married, or becoming financially independent. This can lead to lower self-confidence and a sense of stagnation.
• Mental Health Impact: According to a 2020 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, adult children who live with their parents for extended periods may experience higher levels of stress and anxiety, especially if there are conflicts over boundaries, autonomy, or lifestyle differences.
• Parental Burnout: On the other side, parents often report feeling overwhelmed and financially strained by supporting adult children. A study from the Family Relations Journal showed that parents who continue to provide significant financial or emotional support to adult children are at a higher risk of experiencing burnout, relationship strain, and even depression.

A study from Psychology Today found that adult children who feel overly controlled or criticized by their parents often experience higher levels of anxiety and depression. This is especially true when parents struggle to let go, imposing their views or trying to influence their adult children’s life choices. On the flip side, adult children who receive emotional support, without judgment or control, tend to have higher self-esteem and better coping skills when facing life’s challenges.

Letting Your Adult Children Go While Staying Connected

One of the most challenging aspects of parenting adult children is learning how to let them go to live on their own. After years of being the go-to problem solver, stepping back does indeed feel unnatural. That’s why it’s essential for both parents and children to redefine their roles. Your job is no longer to fix everything, but to advise and offer unconditional love when needed.

One of the trickiest parts of this phase is setting and respecting boundaries. It’s easy to fall into old patterns—calling every day, offering unsolicited advice, or stepping in to “fix” things. However, boundaries are crucial for building a healthy, adult-to-adult relationship.

Here are a few tips that might help you act better:

• Ask, don’t assume: Before offering advice or help, ask your child if they’re open to it. This will show respect for their autonomy.
• Respect their privacy: Avoid intruding into their personal lives unless they invite you in. That means no surprise visits and no reading their mail.
• Be supportive, not controlling: Let them know you’re there for them without trying to question their decisions or put your worries onto them.

The “Boomerang Generation”: When Adult Kids Move Back Home

The term “Boomerang Generation” refers to young adults who leave the nest only to return to live with their parents. According to a report by the U.S. Census Bureau, around one-third of adults aged 25 to 34 moved back home during the COVID-19 pandemic. While this arrangement can provide economic relief, it often comes with its own set of challenges.

A study from Harvard University found that while parents are generally happy to help their children, cohabitation can lead to increased stress due to clashing lifestyles, lack of privacy, and financial strain. Additionally, a survey by Psychology Today revealed that:

• 70% of parents who have adult children living at home report feeling stressed by the lack of personal space.
• Over 60% of adult children feel frustrated by the loss of independence and the return to a “child” role within the household.

The Sandwich Generation: Being a Parent and a Child

An often-overlooked aspect of parenting adult children is how to manage your role as both a parent and a child yourself. As we age, so do our parents, and many of us are faced with the challenge of caring for them while also being there for our grown children. Juggling these dual roles can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. This is where self-care becomes non-negotiable. To support others, you need to prioritize your well-being. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, set boundaries, and take time for yourself.

One of the most challenging, yet important, things to prepare for is the eventual loss of our own parents. Grieving while still being a source of strength for your own children requires resilience, support, and self-compassion.

A Personal Perspective: Learning to Be a Mother to an Adult Daughter

As a mother, I often think about the future and what my relationship with my daughter will look like when she’s all grown up and facing the real world. I want to be there for her in the way she needs me to be—supportive, loving, yet respectful of her independence. But I also want to have my own fulfilling, independent life. I believe that part of being a great parent to an adult child is showing them that life can be rich, joyful, and meaningful at every stage.

Remember, once a parent, always a parent—but that doesn’t mean you stop growing alongside your children. By embracing this new phase with openness, respect, and flexibility, you can build a relationship that’s fulfilling and enriching for both you and your adult child. The role may change, but the love, guidance, and support are still essential. It’s about letting go of control while holding onto connection, allowing our adult children the space to grow into their own person while knowing we’re always in their corner.

The journey of parenting never really ends—it just changes, and that’s a beautiful thing.