Being a parent is supposed to feel natural, right? But what happens if you’ve never experienced that unconditional love yourself and now you must learn to show love to your kids? What if your relationship with your own parents was strained or outright damaging? It’s easy to feel uncertain about how to break the cycle of emotional distance, neglect, or even abuse. The truth is, many of us didn’t grow up with the love, care, and nurturing that children need—and yet, we are expected to provide that very thing to the next generation.

If your parents were part of the Baby Boomer generation, they were likely raised in environments where emotional neglect or even physical or at least emotional abuse was more common than we care to admit. Many Boomers grew up with parents who didn’t learn to show love or affection, or who themselves struggled to survive harsh emotional and social conditions. They were, in many ways, the product of their environment, just as we are. But that doesn’t mean we are cursed to repeat their patterns.

Let’s try to understand why this happens, how to heal, and, most importantly, how to become the parent your children need—even if you didn’t get the love you deserved.

The Generational Divide: Understanding Where the Lack of Love Comes From

First, it’s important to understand that the emotional distance many Baby Boomers experienced in their childhoods wasn’t because their parents were inherently cold or cruel. The reality is, they were raised by parents who came from very different times, often marked by hardship, war, and economic struggle. In many cases, they didn’t have the luxury or time to learn to show love or affection because they themselves were dealing with their own emotional and physical survival. This created a pattern that got passed down.

According to psychology, generational trauma often occurs when one generation carries the emotional wounds of the previous one. This cycle is difficult to break, especially when we’re unaware of it. If your parents didn’t know how to love or weren’t capable of showing affection, you likely grew up with emotional gaps. These gaps can lead to feelings of inadequacy or emotional dysfunction later in life. But acknowledging this is the first step in breaking the cycle. Understanding that your parents may not have had the emotional tools to love you as you needed is key.

Parents Need to Parent, Not Comfort Their Own Parents

It’s a hard truth: As adults, many of us find ourselves caught in the middle of what I like to call the “reversed-parent-to-child flow.” This is the dynamic where parents, often aging or struggling with their own emotional issues, demand emotional support, time, and energy from their adult children. While it’s natural to care for our aging parents, it’s important to remember that your primary role is to your own children.

Children need their parents, especially emotionally. If you’re constantly giving emotional support to your parents, it’s easy to overlook the emotional needs of your children. Kids cannot thrive without parents who can show up, be present, and offer love and stability. Our parents can manage without us—they don’t need us to emotionally “parent” them, so we can show up for our own children, and the next generation can break free from the cycles of neglect, loneliness, or emotional starvation.

If you’re spending too much time trying to fix the emotional issues of your own parents, ask yourself: What message am I sending to my kids about love, attention, and emotional well-being? If you’re not investing in them, who will?

Parenting is Mostly Teaching Ourselves to Be Good Parents—No Matter Our Past

The most difficult part of healing from emotional neglect is that we don’t come with a manual. If we didn’t get the love we needed, how do we learn to show love to our kids? The truth is, parenting is something we must teach ourselves, no matter our age or past experiences.

Just because you didn’t receive affection or nurturing doesn’t mean you can’t learn to provide it. And on the other hand – just because your considered yourself as a good parent when the kids were small, doesn’t mean your are same good in parenting adult children (and yes, adult children also need your love!). As a mom of a young woman, I think showing love to a baby, that has no opinion yet is very different and in a way much easier, than showing it to a teenager.

It’s always a good start by becoming aware of your own emotional landscape. Ask yourself: Am I parenting through the lens of my own unresolved emotional wounds? Am I unconsciously following patterns my parents set? Identifying these tendencies is the first step in making a change. With conscious effort, you can choose to build a more supportive and loving environment for your children.

But here’s the catch: Just because you’ve decided to parent differently, doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy, nor does it guarantee success. You may stumble, and that’s okay. The key is that you’re committed to giving your children something you didn’t get. That commitment will, in itself, change your future relationship with them.

How to Learn to Show Love to Your Inner Child First

One of the toughest challenges many of us face as parents is comparing our children’s lives to our own childhoods. Perhaps your kids have more material wealth, more opportunities, or simply a life that feels cushier than what you experienced growing up. It’s natural to feel guilt or even resentment that they have “more” than you did.

But here’s the thing: the one who’s resisting is not you today, it might be your inner child that is still looking for validation. That child inside of you might resist the changes you’re trying to make, convincing you that your kids’ lives shouldn’t be “better” than yours. By learning how to show love to your children you can also learn how to show love to yourself: your inner child. More freedom, more love, more trust—these are the gifts you didn’t get, but you can offer to your own children and to yourself.

Fear often holds us back. Fear of doing things differently, fear of making mistakes, fear of not being perfect. But parenting doesn’t require perfection, it requires consistency and love. It’s much better to try and fail than to repeat the same patterns and expect different outcomes.

Love is Learned, Not Inherited

In the end, building a different, healthier relationship with your children is all about understanding where you came from, how you were shaped, and what you need to change in order to make a better future for your kids. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what you’ve been through—healing is possible, and so is becoming the parent you’ve always wanted to have.

Breaking the cycle of emotional neglect or abuse doesn’t guarantee that everything will be perfect. What it does guarantee is that you are giving your children a chance to feel seen, loved, and cared for in ways you may not have experienced. And that, in itself, is a victory.

Parenting is a journey, and for many of us, it’s a chance to learn to show love and to re-parent ourselves. It’s about consciously choosing to break the cycle of emotional pain, creating a space where our children can grow in love, trust, and stability. If you weren’t shown love, it’s okay to feel lost at times. What matters is that you make the choice to learn to show love to your kids, no matter the scars you carry.

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