If we act as their friends, who will be their parents?
Your kids have/will have enough friends, but they only have one mother. Don’t water down your parenting role.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a close relationship with our kids, it’s actually a good thing. However, parenting role has quite different purpose, and serves in a different, more critical way. We need to make them feel safe, loved, and cared for.
Parents and Friends Play Complementary but Distinct Roles
Aside from meeting basic needs and offering support in essentials, parenting role is primarily for guidance and discipline. Not so funny task to set boundaries and enforce rules, however someone needs to ensure our kids are safe and behaving well. In contrast, their friends are here to fulfil social needs by providing companionship and engaging in shared activities and hobbies. Hard to compete, right?
Their friends support them through empathy and understanding, sharing relatable experiences, and acting as their emotional outlet. While we, parents, we guide them through our experience and perspectives that come with age and responsibility. This often makes their decisions more balanced and safer, even if it’s not always makes your child happy.
Friends come and go, while parenting role is a lifelong commitment based on unconditional love and genuine care. However, as our kids grow, and their role models become their peers we should give them more independence while offering unconditional (but not overwhelming) love and stable emotional foundation.
Don’t water down your parenting role by trying to be their best friend; keep bettering your unique role and just be their parent.
Don’t Compete With Their Friends, Improve Confidence in Parenting Role
Clinical psychologist Daniel Siegel says teens are wired to turn to friends as a survival instinct, “because that’s who you’re going to depend on when you leave home…” Connecting with a group of friends at this age feels like a matter of survival.
I believe I’ve always had a good sense of style, so I remember feeling a bit hurt when my daughter didn’t take my advice on what to wear to a party. Instead of my suggestion, she picked a matching dress with her friend and put the high heels on. This made me to realise that fashion advice was no longer in my domain and mentally marked it as “friends’ business.” I’ll still give my opinion if she asks, but now my go-to responses are, “I like it, but why don’t you ask Sara? She has good taste,” or, “What are your friends planning to wear? Maybe talk to them?”
This approach helps her gather more opinions and make better decisions, but also encourages her to find the best advisors for different situations.
Slowly guiding our kids to involve other people in their lives also helps prepare them to handle more on their own. Their need to feel validated by their friends grows, so try not to jump in for small, day-to-day decisions like what to wear or how to handle school tasks. Instead, focus on being there when it truly matters, supporting them through health concerns, teaching them financial literacy, guiding them on career choices and developing resilience to help them face major life choices in the future. Understand which areas your authority is undoubted and essential, and leave other areas to their best friend.
This way, they’ll be ready for independence while knowing you’ll always have their back when it counts most.
If you’re feeling unsure or overwhelmed at times, you’re not alone. If you’d like some guidance, my motherhood sessions are made to go through each stage with more confidence and a bit lighter heart.
