Raising Boys in the Modern World

Raising boys today is complicated. We want them to be strong but gentle, ambitious but kind, confident but humble. Contradictory instructions, if we’re honest.

We tell them to “man up,” not to cry, to be tough, and then years later, we ask them to open up emotionally in relationships. How exactly is that supposed to work? You can’t train someone to internalise emotions for twenty years and then expect him to be emotionally available on command.

Binge through movies, TV shows, or music, and the male “heroes” we appreciate are often narcissists, serial manipulators, or emotionally unavailable cynics who confuse arrogance with confidence. If aliens ever had to recreate men based on TV, the results would be both terrifying and hilarious.

Then add the feministic ideas. It told women, “You can do everything yourself.” And we believed it, because it’s true. But even when we can do everything: the society consists of both men and women.

While we, women, grow strong, our men (fathers, brothers, partners, sons, colleagues) are standing in the middle of the change, unsure what role to play.

Do they open doors for us, or stand still?
Do they grab the heavy bag, or let us prove we can handle it?
Do they pay for dinner, or risk offending us by offering?
Do they cry when it gets hard, or play cool and “manly,” risking for us to later accuse them of being either ball-less or emotionless…

Somehow they’re caught between instinct and novelty, between biology that tells them to protect, and culture that tells them we don’t need protecting. What is even more important, we are raising boys while being confused with all this.

And so I wonder: what can we, modern moms, influence? And what is trustworthy and stable enough for us to rely on to raise men who will be great partners and parents?

When Biology Meets Ideology

For centuries, men had a clear rulebook: protect, provide, and don’t cry. Simple. Structured. Predictable. For most of our evolutionary history, women’s safety and survival during pregnancy and child-rearing depended on having strong, reliable male partners. Considering that motherhood was almost the only role mothers could pursue in their lives, we depended on men.

That protective instinct, for the men to provide and secure, and for the female to take care and provide safety, is centuries older than feminism and way more rooted than longevity. So even though we’re no longer dependent, the feeling of wanting to be cared for still exists, deeply and subconsciously.

It’s a big achievement that we, women, have finally gained independence, education, and financial power, and no longer need men to survive, but our biology didn’t get the message overnight. So we live in paradoxes: Do we really know what kind of man we want next to us? I’m not so sure. And men? I feel they have no idea what’s expected of them too. Should they be like Tom Hardy in MobLand, or like Ross from Friends? Should they step in, or step back? Pay or not pay? Be persistent or gentle?

Sometimes, it feels like we write the rules in a language we just invented, and then base it all on interpretations.

Historical Events that Changed Our Men

Taking a historical perspective, this isn’t the first identity crisis men have faced.

During the Industrial Revolution (1760–1840), men’s identities experienced their first major shift in modern history. Before this period, life was built around the family. Men worked the land next to their wives and children. Their worth was measured by visible, measurable contributions: harvesting, fixing, building, protecting. Fathers were physically present, teaching sons through daily life.

When machines took over, men were pulled from fields into factories. Their new value wasn’t measured by skills or closeness to family, but by wages and productivity. The man’s role narrowed to provider, while emotional & home life became “feminine territory.” For the first time, the concept of the “absent father” appeared. Sociologists mark this as the moment masculinity became tied to wealth. A man’s identity was no longer about who he was, but about what he could produce.

If the Industrial Revolution defined men by their work, World War II (1939 – 1945) defined them by their absence and their return. When millions of men were sent to fight, women stepped into every role they had left behind: factories, offices, transport, agriculture. They proved, visibly and efficiently, that the world could keep turning without male existence. For the first time, society saw women not only as caretakers, but also as contributors to the economy and public life.

When the war ended, soldiers came home expecting to reclaim their old positions, both at work and at home. But the world they returned to was different. So were they, mentally and physically. Women had tasted independence, income, and decision-making. To restore men’s place in society, society invented a new ideal: the male breadwinner and the domestic wife. Media and politics marketed the image of the stoic man who earns, and the grateful woman who submits. This post-war model reshaped masculinity for decades. Vulnerability, once so common among soldiers who survived trauma, was quickly erased. The unspoken rule was clear: real men don’t talk, they work.

Psychologists now recognise this as the root of much modern male anxiety: the conflict between wanting emotional connection and fearing it will diminish their masculinity.

In short, World War II gave birth to the “strong, silent provider”, an image still haunting men, who are now expected to be both invulnerable and emotionally fluent at the same time.

Where the Industrial Revolution tied a man’s worth to productivity, and post-war culture tied it to the wallet, 21st-century ideals emphasise emotional presence, relational skill, and partnership. Feminism has been central to this shift, not just for women, but for men as well.

Suddenly, the man praised for stoicism and productivity is being asked to navigate feelings he was taught to suppress for generations. He is expected to listen, understand, participate, not just in earning, but in nurturing, caregiving, and household decision-making.

The transition has not been easy. For generations, men were taught to believe that love and work existed in separate spheres: one external, one internal. Now, those worlds are merging. Society once again has new expectations: men must be present and collaborative, valuing empathy as much as strength, conversation as much as action.

In this new century, the manual of manhood is no longer written in labor or salaries. It is written in partnership, emotional intelligence, and collaboration. Men are increasingly defined by how they relate, express themselves, listen, and taking care. And for the first time in centuries, that very mix: being strong and gentle, is what society asks of them.

Manhood Starts With Boyhood: Foundational Pillars in Raising boys

So now that we’ve defined that a modern man doesn’t necessarily have to be a pro in harvesting or pay all the bills. It’s not about power anymore, it’s about presence. And besides the fact that We still feel powerless to change our fathers, barely can affect our husbands and boyfriends, we can for sure make a positive impact on our children. The boys we raise today will become someone’s partner, friend, boss, or husband tomorrow. It’s not their girlfriend’s job to “fix” our sons later in life.

Although I raised a daughter and have no experience as a mom of a boy, I would start this change with four foundational and practical pillars:

1. Teaching them etiquette.
2. Finding a decent male role model to follow.
3. Prioritising education.
4. Helping them understand women.

Modern Etiquette: Awareness, Not Poshness

When I say “etiquette,” I don’t mean fake politeness or outdated manners. Modern etiquette is a guide on how to be around people. Simple as that.

When a boy knows how to shake hands, make eye contact, say “thank you,” assist, and help, that’s confidence in action. It’s all about awareness. Reading a room. Knowing when to talk, when to shut up, and how to make people feel comfortable around you.

With so many uncertainties around us, different cultures, ages, positions, giving boys a tool to guide their actions is like giving them a master key in a room full of doors. By applying manners and etiquette, he’s not faking maturity; he’s building it.

If the Father Isn’t Around

As a mom, especially if you are raising your son alone or the father is busy at work, you can teach a lot: empathy, self-control, respect. But there are lessons that land better when said by another man. So find him one. A coach, an uncle, even an older cousin. Someone who shows him what healthy masculinity looks like.

Because hearing “take a shower” from mom doesn’t hit the same as hearing “dude, your socks stink” from a man he looks up to.

The Practical Lessons That Build Character

Beyond emotions, give boys real tools for life:

• Money management: understanding value and independence builds confidence.
• Depth: Encourage him to have his signature focus topic, whether it’s history, science, politics, cars, music, whatever they’re drawn to. A man that has a point of view and knows things in depth is a man that people listen to. Depth creates confidence.
• Self-presentation: To make people listen, you not only have to know something that others don’t, but also know how to tell the stories and present himself, because “I don’t care how I look” is never a choice; it’s just laziness hidden under a personal choice. Here once again I drag you back to etiquette, it teaches that too.

Teach Them to Understand Women

Many moms freeze here. Are you suggesting talking to boys about women’s bodies, hormones, periods, emotions? It feels awkward! And that’s normal! Do it in an age-appropriate and respectful way. No matter how it feels to you now, trust me, talking about it makes it less awkward for them later.

When a boy understands what women experience, the moods, the pain, the energy shifts, he learns empathy. He’ll be the guy who says, “You seem like you need space, I’ll make tea,” instead of “Are you mad at me?”

You don’t need to go into every detail. Explain the basics: women’s bodies, hormonal cycles, PMS, periods. When you get period cramps yourself, don’t pretend that you have a headache, let them know, so they can assist you, no matter their age, and also understand what they can do, that it goes away and it’s not a life-threatening situation.
That’s not unnecessary; that’s awareness. And it makes all the difference.

Feminism was never meant to erase men; it was meant to expand freedom. However, societies are only as healthy and strong as the connections between their members. Masculinity can’t thrive alone in the same way feminism can’t.

While women are thriving on a high wave leading up to new highs, men either resist the changes or get more and more confused about their contribution and quite often withdrawing themselves from all important decisions.

Ignoring men’s confusion won’t make it better. “Fixing” adults today also does little, but shaping the boys that we raise, that’s what wins the bank. And the change again begins with mothers: one conversation, one good example, one son at a time.